From time to time, even your family and loved ones speak in a way that misleads you. Of course, this does not mean that they are malicious. They may choose to guide you in the direction they want by performing manipulations. They can also apply this specifically for specific problems, or vice versa, you can worm into it. With your words, actions, or passive-aggressive attitudes, you can awaken a deep-seated belief that your loved one is inadequate. Please evaluate what you will read below in general and consider how often it occurs, because without exception we can all have such conversations unknowingly. In situations that develop unconsciously, we can make these mistakes, even if our intention is far from false. Since man is a being with a spiritual dimension that grows and develops through mistakes, please consider the frequency and intensity before you wrong yourself and your loved ones.
What is manipulation?
The most common manipulation; It is the attempt of a person who cannot bear his own problems to make the other party feel guilty. For example; A good friend of yours has asked you to borrow money and you have payments. After your polite refusal, he ‘may even come to my house because he has not lent you money; If you were in the same situation, I wouldn’t think twice about it.” In this case, it’s very clear that you’re trying to make yourself feel guilty. Everyone can have their own income, life, debt, and dreams. and not in a period of plenty to share your money Even if it is your family member the situation of the other party is not your fault If we look at it in great detail maybe he opened more than needed maybe made he was spending luxury, or did he really go through such a situation without his help.
Whatever the reason, if you hear insults, your humanity will be questioned, if you try to believe that you are a guilty and bad person after your answer, you unfortunately fall within the reach of the manipulation network. Another example is; When you talk to your parents about an unmet need, such as spending quality time with them, feeling their love more, or wanting to talk about it in a nice way because you can no longer bear the suffering of a past situation, such as if “I’m a really bad parent” from the parents. Overreactions are also manipulation. If parents find it difficult to bear the burden of their child’s words, they may try to make their children feel guilty for what they say. However, you have suffered a lot from some of the situations they have been through and you are trying to overcome them.
Always victims, victims are manipulators
We cannot always have a strong position in life, of course there will be people who will demand our rights and try to make us victims. Sometimes we can be very passive in the face of our victimization. What I’m talking about here are people who experience the role of “always the victim”. All the failures, mistakes, mistakes, everything, everything happened to the people who always say they have been lost through the misuse of their goodwill. They self-soothe so much that they constantly make us feel like we need to protect, guard, and care for them. “I can’t live if you leave me,” “how can you make your poor mother worthy of this?” This kind of discourse is the rhetoric of people who try to show themselves as victims and oppressed and try to make them do what they want.
Constantly distracting or cheating with promises are also manipulation traps.
People who make you feel valued by their behavior don’t have to make promises. You already feel satisfied with the consistency between his words and actions and you don’t need him to make promises.
Man is responsible for identifying his needs and communicating them. Healthy adults, that is, people who are not strong, avoid openly expressing their feelings and needs and try to get what they want with manipulations.
What are the main ways to deal with the manipulator?
Be honest with yourself
Let’s say; It is said that you are a bad friend, a bad wife, a bad son or a lazy person. Focus on the whole picture; Think about what you’ve done and what you haven’t done. We all do good and bad things. Think of intensity and frequency. Review your intentions and be mindful of how open you are about your own feelings. That is, the other party may not be aware of what you are doing for them. Don’t make these things out loud all the time, don’t be seen as a reprimand. If we are all human, we have no supernatural abilities. We cannot read minds, we cannot know what we do not see or hear. We must articulate our feelings, needs, and intentions in words and deeds so that they are known and valued. Be honest with yourself, so test your conscience. If not, instead of blaming yourself and turning anger inward, you can move into compensatory ways. However, this behavior does not prove that you are a bad son, bad wife and bad person. It means that you are a mortal person who realizes that you have made a mistake.
Clearly state your boundaries and say “no” when necessary.
By fencing off your garden, your lawn will remain green. If you define your territory, others will not dare to come and pick or step on the grass in your garden. This way you can better see how much surface you need to see and you can irrigate better. It is important to know your weaknesses and strengths and determine how much time you can devote to them. You can simply reject anything that is not appropriate, useful, or valuable to you without further explanation. The key point here is not to indicate the limit when saying no; gracefully guard your boundaries. Otherwise, it will upset the balance of relationships as much as the same manipulations.
make a counterattack
A counterattack can be the hardest step. In the face of accusations, we may have a tendency to defend ourselves and make lengthy statements. These defenses often involve allegations that come up about the areas we value most. Counter attack is taking the bullets from the gun in the hand of the manipulator. We can push the other back, like “This is your opinion, not everyone thinks of me that way”, “My conscience is very clear, if you keep talking so accusingly I won’t listen because there is no solution-focused communication”. I remind you that we need to review the above two points to get clarity on this matter.
dare to face
You can come face to face with your lover who is a manipulator as soon as possible and ask him what he really needs. You can say: “You talk like this is a manipulation and I don’t want to stay in this situation, if we talk about their real wants and needs, we can find a middle ground or our relationship can be strengthened”.